Do the best you can… And be better: A Balanced View of Feedback

Last week I did a thing. I began teaching yoga at a fitness club in Raleigh. Now, this is not my first rodeo teaching as I completed my teacher training over 5 years ago. However, it is my first time committing to a consistent class, every week. The pressure to perform felt ominous. “I have to be the best, or why do it?” rang through my mind as I was both excited and nervous for the opportunity.

SO, I did what any other good student would do. I over prepared and asked for feedback. I asked my other yogi friends and even did a private class with a trusted yoga teacher of teachers. Most of the people in my life were super supportive. “Elise, this isn’t your first time…. you’re an amazing teacher… just be yourself….” These things were great to hear and definitely increased my confidence. However, I still felt like I needed more. It’s almost as if I wanted “negative” feedback, like I wanted confirmation that I sucked.

Well, I got clear and directive feedback from the teacher of teachers. She asked me questions I couldn’t answer, interrupted my teaching to provide feedback and suggestions, and made me aware of areas to improve. Man. I got what I asked for. Initially, I felt defeated. “Maybe I shouldn’t even do this… maybe I should quit before I start.”

After some time, I realized that this was not confirmation I sucked at all, but a true critique. To be fair, she also gave me encouragement, told me I was going to do great, and I was prepared. I just didn’t hear that part. You see, our brains hold on to information that confirms what we already think we know. It was by stepping back and seeing the whole picture that I was able to have a different relationship with the feedback. I was able to see it as the dialectic it is, the balance between acceptance and change.

I am, and was, perfectly capable of doing the job at hand. I had the training, the experience, and unique characteristics to be a good teacher. It would be unfair to ask me to do more at that time. In essence, “People (including me) are doing the best they can.” I needed to hear that; it calmed my expectations to be an expert immediately.

I also needed to hear, “People (I) need to do better, try harder, and be more motivated to change.” I was reminded that just because I was doing the best I could, didn’t mean I didn’t have a lot to learn if I wanted to get better. I am so grateful for the critical feedback I received. I was able to take it in, sort out how to apply what fit, and was able to discard what didn’t apply. Armed with this new insight, I was able to make changes and will continue to improve my teaching style.

This situation reminds me of a time I did not take feedback so eloquently. I was in middle school and had never played a team sport. I actually made the soccer team (thanks Zan & Logan for teaching me some things). I was so excited! My excitement was quickly destroyed when I started to hear other people’s opinions of me. “Elise, the skill goes like this… you’ve got to hustle…” or my all time favorite, “Black girls don’t play soccer.” I quit the team before our first game. If I could go back and tell 12 year old me what I just told you, I would in a heart beat. I’d tell her she was doing great and that she had a lot to learn. This fact didn’t make her unworthy to be there. I’d tell her to use a mentor and teammates who could provide effective support to grow skills and confidence. I’d tell her that it didn’t matter what other people thought of her, only that she was being so brave to try something new.

The two assumptions, “People are doing the best they can,” and “People need to try harder, do better, and be more motivated to change,” come from this book. At the beginning of our therapeutic work we make certain agreements to help conceptualize situations. It has been beyond helpful to view the world in this way.

I tell these stories for a few reasons. (1) To continue to out myself. It is important for you all to know that I am a work in progress as well. We are all growing together. (2) To reduce the fear of critical feedback, giving it or receiving it. In order for things to change, there needs to be a nudge in that direction. We can do that gently while still affirming the validity and worth of current skills. Finally, (3) To encourage you to try something new. As adults we often don’t try anything new anymore, especially if we don’t know how we will perform. The only way to grow is to have new experiences and be curious about what arises. We then can use this new information to design what happens next.

I hope you all try something new this week, ask for feedback, and use it to water your growth instead of stomping out opportunities.

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NEED HELP APPLYING THESE PRINCIPLES IN YOUR LIFE?  MEET WITH ME PRIVATELY.

Sometimes we can “therapize” ourselves and other times we can not seem to figure out why things are so difficult.  If you would like to meet with me to explore ways to become your best self, feel free to contact me (http://www.presentpracticecounseling.com).  I offer individual therapy virtually from Raleigh, NC.  Information about cost of services, insurance options, and availability can be found on the website.   

If you are interested in integrating movement through yoga into your therapy process or personalized workshops please contact me via the same website.   

Now the practice begins,

Elise Nicole Davis

Balance – Where are you?

Look. I keep trying to find this elusive balance. I have come to understand that it doesn’t exist; at least not in a consistent state. What does exist is the pursuit of balance. Basically, you work toward an ideal, fall short, adjust, and get closer. You may achieve balance for a moment and then life will knock you right out of it.

Sound depressing? Maybe. But I like to think of it in a different way.

Observe & Communicate

When was the last time you witnessed a true tantrum? As a mother, my answer is a few minutes ago. It’s amazing how fast emotions can shift! We were watching a movie and then she, my daughter, was on the floor. Sitting as the observer gave me an opportunity to see something. Her face looked confused and beckoned me to help her. Empathy washed over me. I can only imagine that she had no idea what to do with those big feelings. I often find myself surprised by the intensity of my own emotion at 35; to be 4 years old with the same sensations must be terrifying! This awareness led me to get down to her eye level, take some deep breathes with her, and ask her to communicate using her words.

So. Many. Feelings. In. This. Tiny. Body.

Frankly, that’s what we all need. We need space to relax, observe, and communicate our emotions. So, next time you feel overwhelmed, perhaps having an adult sized tantrum, create some space to observe and listen. Take three deep, belly breaths. Ask yourself what you can observe with your 5 senses and what thoughts are present. Welcome whatever shows up without judgment. Gather this information to identify an emotion, the intensity of the emotion, and the action urge calling your name. Then, make a clear decision on if acting on the emotion fits the facts AND moves you toward the kind of person you want to be in this world. Sometimes the answer to these questions are yes. Other times the answer is to do the opposite of the urge. These decisions are based on your higher awareness of values and goals.

It is important that we listen to our bodies BEFORE a full out breakdown occurs. My daughter gave me plenty of signs earlier in the evening. I simply was not listening AND she did not use her words. I implore you tonight to be an observer of your body and thoughts. Follow this observation with a clear description of what is present and what is needed. This will allow you to intervene early in the emotion cycle and increase the efficiency by which you design your life. Clear communication between yourself and others enhances intentional living.

Mindfulness Saved Me

Little me who, apparently, didn’t talk much.

As a therapist I’ve watched others struggle with anxiety. As a human being, born in the 80s, a millennial that’s played Apocalyptic Bingo, and a black woman (EXHALE) – I’ve developed a very personal relationship with anxiety. We have co-existed, inharmoniously, since I was 5. There has been a continuous monologue to my daily experiences – judging, wanting, worrying – for as long as I can remember.

Adult me: Still awkward- Still anxious

You’d think by now I would have beaten it. I mean I’m who you go to when you feel crazy – you’d expect me to have some kind of solution. Confession: I haven’t beaten it, no one can. But I will say, I have found a way to live along side of it. Out of all the medicines, treatment manuals, and prayers – mindfulness has been my saving grace. In the practice of being present I reclaimed my life, one moment at a time.

I stopped fighting with my mind, saying it was wrong or should be different. Instead I started observing my mind. By observing and describing, my experiences were able to be met directly without the cloud of judgements and stories blurring my vision. I could get my bearings. It was only by figuring out where I was that I could make an intentional plan on how to move forward.

I started first with my sleep. This was another area I was constantly at odds with in my life. I remember staring up at my bedroom fan wishing I could fall asleep – praying my mind would slow down. I was unsuccessful. I was unsuccessful because you can’t will your life to change. You can only take stock of where you are and make the necessary adjustments.

So I did. I learned to observe my habits, my body sensations, and my thoughts. I learned to deeply listen to the messages my experiences whispered. I learned what responses led toward my goals and those not to repeat.

I later applied the same mindful relationship to other habits: smoking, diet, exercise, and social quirks. Mindfulness offered a lens of safety and warm acceptance. It was a place I could authentically and vulnerably be seen; I was now safe to grow.

Mindfulness opens the realm of possibility. It is a constant practice of being present. Your whole life becomes the practice. Now the practice of living begins.

To hear more check out the 5 Part Video Series on the Foundation of Mindful Practice.

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NEED HELP APPLYING THESE PRINCIPLES IN YOUR LIFE?  MEET WITH ME PRIVATELY.

Sometimes we can “therapize” ourselves and other times we can not seem to figure out why things are so difficult.  If you would like to meet with me to explore ways to become your best self, feel free to contact me (http://www.elisedaviscounseling.com).  I offer individual therapy virtually from Raleigh, NC.  Information about cost of services, insurance options, and availability can be found on the website.   

If you are interested in integrating movement through yoga into your therapy process or personalized workshops please contact me via the same website.   

Now the practice begins, 

Elise Nicole Davis

No “Buts” about it…

If you’ve been a client of mine for any amount of time, I hope you have walked away with one thing. Our “buts” in life stop us from moving forward. Period. Saying “yes” to one thing and following it with a “but” statement completely invalidates whatever you “agreed” to. Here’s an example: “Yes I want to do the dishes to help, but I don’t have time right now,” or “I want to meditate, but I don’t have time.” It doesn’t matter what I want to do, my “but” makes it clear what I’m going to do. (I realize, just now, that my “buts” are obviously time related. Note to self.)

Make “no buts” about it, if you want to do something you have to fully agree. I understand that things get in the way AND accepting all the facts creates room for problem solving. Remember, acceptance doesn’t mean approval; it simply means we acknowledge all the facts. Let’s take another look at the dishes example above. A way to rephrase the statement is to replace the word “but” with “and.” It would look like this: “Yes I want to do the dishes to help AND I don’t have time right now.” Now, I’m left with a situation that has two truths. Taking into account both parts of the statement, I have the opportunity to find a resolution. Possible solutions may be that I can make time by exchanging one task for another or I may offer to do the dishes another time when I can schedule it in.

Here’s a more personal example that follows my previous post about Sadhana. I want to wake up at 5 AM, but I still feel tired. That statement disregards my desire to change my habits due to how I feel in the moment. That’s where we get stuck. I am practicing changing this statement to “I want to wake up at 5 AM, and I still feel tired.” From this I can derive a few things:

• I can still get up at 5 AM even if I still feel tired.
• I can do things to reduce my fatigue such as going to be earlier.
• I can adjust the time I want to wake up to one that allows me to reach my goals and feel more rested.

I’ve opted for the awareness that I can still get up even if I still feel tired. The thought is that I commit to my practice regardless of my circumstances. I have found that this commitment lends itself to the next two points where I adjust my plans to make it work. Hands down the best advice I ever got came from Suzanne Evans, “Make the decision and make the decision right.” When I made the decision to have a daily practice, I agreed to do what was needed to make it work. The “and” allows me to feel less boxed in and capable of doing just that, making it work within my reality.

Continue to evaluate where your butt gets stuck AND create space for solution building. I believe in you and your ability to move forward despite the circumstances. If you feel stuck, share so this community can help.

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NEED HELP APPLYING THESE PRINCIPLES IN YOUR LIFE?  MEET WITH ME PRIVATELY.

Sometimes we can “therapize” ourselves and other times we can not seem to figure out why things are so difficult.  If you would like to meet with me to explore ways to become your best self, feel free to contact me (http://www.elisedaviscounseling.com).  I offer individual therapy virtually from Raleigh, NC.  Information about cost of services, insurance options, and availability can be found on the website.   

If you are interested in integrating movement through yoga into your therapy process or personalized workshops please contact me via the same website.   

Now the practice begins, 

Elise Nicole Davis

Overcoming Obstacles to Practice

I have to make a confession. I am not great at routine. I love it, and I need it, but I struggle to maintain it after 3 days. Even knowing all the benefits of having rituals (check out my instagram post on the topic), I still fall short. I openly admit this to combat the shame that keeps me stuck. By making something public and out in the open, we are encouraged to do something about it by solving the problem.

Often when behaviors are not completed it is due to these 4 reasons:

• lack of awareness of needed behavior
• unwillingness to do the behavior
• forgetting the behavior
• or something got in the way of doing the behavior right away
  (DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, General Worksheet 3).

Currently, my issue has been letting other things come before my desired behaviors. To strengthen this area in my life, I plan to focus on a yogic principle: Sadhana. Sadhana means consistent practice done with intention. For the next month, I plan on anchoring my behavior to scheduled morning practice in order to not forget or have life get in the way. By investing in a daily practice, kind of like watering a plant or feeding yourself daily, I will be able to participate in the process and direction of my growth.

Sadhana happens regardless of what is going on. This message became apparent on a recent hike I took with my 8 year old niece. She wanted to climb a mountain. So to Arizona, specifically Mt. Lemmon, we went. If you’ve ever seen an 8 year old hype about something, imagine that times 10! Even at the beginning of the hike when I proclaimed I was already tired, she said, “We got this, Aunnie!” But a little into 3 miles, she broke. She no longer wanted to climb a mountain; she wanted to go home. She became unwilling to complete the task. With my sister’s coaching my niece became willing to put one foot in front of the other. My sister reminded her how strong she is and how capable her body was proving itself to be – even beyond her initial expectation or current doubt. My sister reminded her that with each strong intentional step, she was not alone; we were with her. So regardless of all the obstacles, internal and external, my niece completed her first hike accomplishing more than she set out to do: 6 miles, 10,000 ft above the safety of flat terrain – one hell of a craggy, cliffy, challenge of a mountain!

Her eagerness reminds me of the vigor in which we often embark on new routines or practices. We are committed and invincible until it gets tough; then, we want to quit. However, in the words of my niece, “Don’t be afraid to fail. Be afraid to quit.” No matter what happens, commit to your Sadhana. Commit to your practice. Know that with each strong step – no matter your mountain – I am with you. Your community is with you.

As you consider ways to build the life you want to live, I encourage you to think about what gets in the way of completing what you originally set out to do. Which one of these four is your reason for not taking the next step? Know that it can change and the point is to identify where you get stuck in order to be effective in your solutions.

Sadhana occurs daily, without fail. Let’s be each other’s support as we embark on our own practices. Remember, you are the practice after all.

Feel free to follow and message me on instagram, present.practice, to be a part of our community where it’s all about intentionality and conquering big mountains, one foot after the other.

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NEED HELP APPLYING THESE PRINCIPLES IN YOUR LIFE?  MEET WITH ME PRIVATELY.

Sometimes we can “therapize” ourselves and other times we can not seem to figure out why things are so difficult.  If you would like to meet with me to explore ways to become your best self, feel free to contact me (http://www.elisedaviscounseling.com).  I offer individual therapy virtually from Raleigh, NC.  Information about cost of services, insurance options, and availability can be found on the website.   

If you are interested in integrating movement through yoga into your therapy process or personalized workshops please contact me via the same website.   

Now the practice begins,

Elise Nicole Davis

Rest Behavior

A tale of activity cycling

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Last month my husband and I celebrated 7 years of marriage by taking a kid free trip to the beach with friends. Let’s just say, I had a great time. A good trip entails a shot of ridiculousness with a chaser of exercise and hydration.

Per my Instagram post, “No days off” from physical activity was mostly true. I moved my body daily and ate intuitively. At least until I came home. When I got home, I sat. I sat. And I sat some more. I ate all the things that normally upset my stomach “while I was still on vacation.” After an active week, I overcompensated with too much rest. Activity cycling and binge-purge behaviors put my body in a cyclical rollercoaster. I literally feel sick from the all-or-nothing approach to life.

Photo by KoolShooters on Pexels.com

When I feel lost and overwhelmed, I look to others to be my Wise Mind. This time, The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali, Book One, Number 14 (1.14) really helped me out.

“Practice becomes fully grounded when well attended to for a long time, without break, and in all earnestness.”

I am in need of a lifestyle, a life practice, that can be maintained; a way of existing as the fabric of who I am and not just what I do. I believe having a healthy relationship with rest and with discipline can create the homeostasis needed for whole hearted living. I learned last week that rest can actually be destructive. I thought I was helping myself by not “following the rules,” and giving myself “freedom.” I’ve learned in the past that discipline can be equally destructive; like when I insisted on running twice a day despite being injured.

In order to develop a constructive relationship with rest and discipline, basically my behaviors, I had to define it.

Constructive behaviors are intuitive. We learn to trust our inner wisdom, our Wise Mind, by first cultivating the practice of listening. Taking the time to pause and experience and digest information is pivotal to understanding what to do next. This can be a meditative practice or simply taking a breath before responding. Be aware of the 5 senses in the present moment (sight, touch, sound, taste, smell) and mindfulness of thoughts. What descriptions and judgments are your inner monolouge attaching to the sensation?

The information you gather can then be digested to identify the resulting need. From here you can identify values oriented action to best meet that need. For example, after a very intense round of football passes, my 30+ year old body was sore upon returning from my trip. Without listening to myself, I self medicated with heavy food and lack of movement. Needless to say, my body felt like the cement I was pouring into it. If I had listened, this is what I would have heard: stiff joints needing lubrication, growling belly seeking to replace nutrients, and a racing mind needing to fully engage with life outside of work. I needed intentional physical activity and good food. Values wise, this would look like daily gentle movement through yoga, lots of hydration, and lots of veggies to get things moving.

Constructive means to build. I want to build the life of my dreams. In order to do that, I have to stop and read the blueprint. Building a mobile, flexible lifestyle says, “it’s not if I move, but how.”

What is your body telling you about your behaviors of rest and discipline?

Begin Again

SO many updates for Present Practice Counseling! Check out the website http://www.elisedaviscounseling.com for all the details.

You know the feeling where you’ve dropped the ball with something that was important to you?  That urge to give it up completely and not return.  I know that feeling all too well.  SO here I am, vulnerably returning to write this blog.  As I say in yoga, now the practice of yoga begins.  And again, I say… now the practice of yoga begins.   It is the returning, the starting over, the facing your edges that embodies the true work.  If we are honest, we never truly start over because we’ve gained new insight along the way.  We simply, begin again. 

A lot has changed, so introductions should be made.  My name is Elise Davis.  I am a mental health counselor, yoga teacher, and meditation guide in Raleigh, NC.  I am married, have a 4 year old daughter (where did the time go?), and a sweet dog who came to visit for the weekend and never left.   I am a writer, an artist, hugger, and gatherer of stories.  Since starting my own practice in 2019, Present Practice Counseling, I have regained my zeal for life and taking chances.

Where does the time go?  It’s an interesting thing to consider.  On one hand it goes nowhere as time is a human construct; on the other hand it is fleeting, unable to be grasped by even the most attentive hands.  Time has been moving fast and slow all at the time.  Mindfulness practices have been my saving grace.  The only way to “hold” a moment, is to participate in it.  This means throwing yourself into the experience fully, completely, and vulnerably.  Brene Brown speaks to the fact that this is the only way to live a whole hearted life.  We can combat shame directly by not hiding, showing up and living.  

Photo by Tim Samuel on Pexels.com

One of my favorite prompting questions is this: “Do your values and priorities match how you spend your time and resources?”  Take the time to consider this.  It may be the most important question you ask yourself. Armed with this new information, I invite you to declutter what isn’t aligned from your theoretical desk and make space for what is. 

I am.  I am making time for family.  I am making time to create.  I am making time to heal myself in order to heal others.  What’s your pledge?  

Ways to find more time:

• delegate, delegate, delegate
• end of list 🙂 Let go of what you don’t have to do and allow others to help you! At the beginning of the year I made a pledge to take things off my list. Instead of buying a juicer, I bought from Raleigh Raw. I can not recommend enough! Instead of stressing about food and diet, I hired a personal trainer. Again, can not recommend enough.

People pay you to listen… Not quite.

I’m back!  Baby is 9 months old… she has been out in this world longer than she was in my tummy! CRAZY! I’ve spent the last few months in amazement at all the new things she’s learning while also in utter exhaustion because I started work again.  Being a working mommy is hard.  However, I continue to realize what I do is important for the people I serve and for my daughter to see that it is ok to get help.  In life nothing and no one is perfect; but there is a place you can go for some much needed reflection to move closer to your best self.  That place is therapy.

Not much time for rest with these two!

So what do I do anyway as a counselor?

I’ve had several people ask me, “So, people come, lay on your couch, and you get paid to listed to their problems?” This description implies a very passive counselor; a counselor that really just passes the time half listening and providing only a head nod.  This is in fact not what I do at all.  Let me explain to you why a visit with me may in fact change your outlook on life.

Thought Shaping – Mental Health Counseling:

It is my belief the core of all challenges is your mindset.  In fact, my favorite quote  by Epictetus is, “Men are disturbed not by things, but by the view which they take of them.”  How would your life be different if you could shift your thinking on a number of challenges in your life right now?  I am not proposing a “fake it till you make it” approach or lying to yourself.  I am proposing spending time challenging your thoughts in a way that allows you to move toward your life goals regardless of the circumstances in front of you.  Once you have challenged your thinking, you can operate with the realities of life and make concrete plans to live the life you’ve always wanted.

Now, there can be challenges along the way.  Any number of mental health challenges make this shift difficult.  However, you can learn skills to reshape your attitude and behaviors. Acceptance, change, and nurturing support can defeat anxiety, depression, bipolar, attention issues, trust issues, and much more (clinical or not).

A trained counselor can help you not only learn these skills but provide a safe space to practice them.  My job is to help you accept all parts of yourself and design a way to work within the world the best you can.  With this, everything is possible.

Goal Directed Support – Coaching:

Building off the foundation of mental health counseling, is the benefit of goal directed support.  Once your mindset is solid, you can begin to really identify what you want from life.  You know who you are and are paving forward in a clear direction.  However, you feel like something is blocking you from executing the plan.  This is where I come in.  As an outsider I am able to provide objective feedback on your attitude and behaviors that create dissonance.  We make a plan truly aligned with not just what you want but with how you actually operate.  Steps catered just for you and your heart’s desires.  In addition to this, we discuss ways to build internal motivation to protect against habits (mental and physical) that delay personal growth.

Total Wellness Advocate:

Downdog baby-asana.  Baby’s need mind-body work too.

With a sound mind and a clear direction, it is important the engine runs well to maintain steam.  Dr. Edmund Jacobson, a psychiatrist known for relaxation techniques stated, “An anxious mind cannot exist in a relaxed body.”  The mind-body connection is powerful.  Just like a car, if you take care of what’s under the hood you’ll have no problem getting where you need to go.  Taking care of your body through a healthy diet and exercise will not only give you more energy but improve your mental state! My job as a counselor is to help you evaluate multiple areas of wellness to ensure all parts of your body are working as efficiently as they can.  If changes need to be made, we can address all the barriers that have been challenging in the past.  This leads back to the first section on mental health; often by tacking our psychological challenges we can begin to take better care of ourselves inside and out.

So what do I do?

What I do is more than listening.  My job is to be a guide, a support system, a safe space, a teacher, a coach, and a mirror.   My job is to challenge faulty thinking that has kept you stuck.  My job is to help you become unstuck, first mentally than behaviorally.  My job is to help you live the life you’ve always wanted to live.  Therapy is work but work we do together.  Come sit on my couch… let’s talk … let’s create … let’s do yoga or any other type of physical activity you like… let’s build your best life.

Added services:

• Wellness Counseling:  Creation of a personal “reset button” plan to get you moving toward your goals.  This plan will cover multiple areas of wellness for a total reset or “jump start” for goals you already have in the works.  Weekly meetings with mid week personalized accountability emails.  Option to add phone calls for an additional fee.
• Yoga for mental health: Private or group sessions using yoga for mental growth.  This may look like breath work for anxiety, pose progressions to build confidence to challenge depression, mental health informed motivational messages, and meditation or mindfulness practices.  However, this experience is catered for each client’s personal goals and will vary based on needs.

For further details please contact me through the website below.

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NEED HELP APPLYING THESE PRINCIPLES IN YOUR LIFE?  MEET WITH ME PRIVATELY.

Sometimes we can “therapize” ourselves and other times we can not seem to figure out why things are so difficult.  If you would like to meet with me to explore ways to become your best self, feel free to contact me (http://www.elisedaviscounseling.com).  I offer individual therapy in private, comfortable spaces in Raleigh, NC and Durham, NC.  Information about cost of services, insurance options, and availability can be found on the website.   

If you are interested in integrating movement through yoga into your therapy process or personalized workshops please contact me via the same website.   

Let go. Live,

Elise Nicole Davis

 

Honest and Individualized Motivation

“Be friend to yourself – one you can tell everything too without fear of judgment.  Unless you truly listen to yourself, you can not give yourself solid advice. ”

So I wrote a blog post this week that for some reason isn’t right. When I read it I don’t feel it, ya know? It feels just as foggy as my mind has been lately. I considered posting it anyway but my perfectionism kicked it. Then I started thinking about all the places perfectionism stops me from moving forward. My motivation to do anything other than thinking, external behavior on display for everyone to see, is limited because God forbid if people don’t absolutely LOVE it. It just wouldn’t be right if people’s lives weren’t changed by it.   My perfectionism is fueled by other people’s perception of me. No wonder my motivation wanes… you can’t please everybody. Instead, I do nothing.

 

This by far one of my favorite pictures of me.  It shows me still fighting to be in the game but also on the struggle bus.  It’s real.  

I’ve been doing some research on what stops people from fully investing in whatever it takes to “change their lives.” As a therapist, I see people who want to “be happy” but yet come in week after week without taking the initiative to change anything, regardless of suggestions by me.   I am no exception. There are several areas in my life I’d like to change that I know how to change, yet, I do nothing.  What limits our readiness and motivation for change?

 

In my research I stumbled upon motivational interviewing. It’s a therapy technique clinicians use to help people get past their own bs. The gist of it is to really listen, get a thorough understanding of what is being communicated, give it back to the patient so they can call themselves on their own bs, and ascribe to changes they see fit. This technique can be used with cognitive behavioral therapies (i.e. challenging your thoughts to impact your behaviors and emotions) to encourage patient investment in treatment and self-evaluation. The goal is for the patient to become their own therapist.

This led me to consider a repeated theme in my blogs to date. Listen to yourself.  Be friend to yourself – one you can tell everything too without fear of judgment.  Unless you truly listen to yourself, you can not give yourself solid advice.  Instead you will either defend your bad habits because, let’s be honest, change is hard OR you will passively agree to what you “should be doing” but have no intentions on actually doing it. This type of involvement in self-growth is short lived and counter motivational.

Through authentic reflection you can really learn yourself. I mean really understand why you do the things you do and why you think the way you think. With this insider knowledge you can develop plans unique to your own needs. These plans not only will work but you will also be motivated to complete them.

Example of what this looks like:

Say I want to start a diet. Instead of saying I’ll never eat carbohydrates again I should mindfully observe my patterns. I learn about myself that I eat a lot of peanut butter sandwiches, especially at night. I learn that I am often tired and stressed from the day and I associate my peanut butter toast as a reward for making it out of the day alive. The event looks like this. I think, “Man, I want something to make me feel good.” I make a piece of peanut butter toast because it hasn’t failed me yet. While making it I think sweet nothings about my toast. While I eat it the feeling of joy is confirmed and lasts for at least the time period I am eating it. There is a clear cause and effect that has created a pattern – not eating bread ever again may not work for me 🙂 BUT, if I identify that the problem is feeling stressed at the end of the day and can identify another way to cope that does not conflict with my goal then I will have learned a way to disrupt a negative pattern. Using “If… then…” language will help you develop clear plans based on accurate observations. Look at how your thoughts and emotions impact your choices. Then consider ways to validate your needs (such as decreasing stress) while creating a plan toward your overall goal.

 

Good luck! 

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NEED HELP APPLYING THESE PRINCIPLES IN YOUR LIFE?  MEET WITH ME PRIVATELY.

Sometimes we can “therapize” ourselves and other times we can not seem to figure out why things are so difficult.  If you would like to meet with me to explore ways to become your best self, feel free to contact me (http://www.elisedaviscounseling.com).  I offer individual therapy in private, comfortable spaces in Raleigh, NC and Durham, NC.  Information about cost of services, insurance options, and availability can be found on the website.   

If you are interested in integrating movement through yoga into your therapy process or personalized workshops please contact me via the same website.   

E.N.D. Pain. Let go. Live,

Elise Nicole Davis